Wife Swap: Cullen vs Daniels
by kristen.pughead
Summary: Carlisle wonders how his family would fare without his beloved Esme. Emmett being curious also signs the family up for Wife Swap. What sort of chaos will ensue?
1. The Formation of an Idea

Edward

My Bella laughed softly as another disgruntled couple left their table meeting. Rose snickered as the other wife smirked at her opposition. The woman with all the wealth and "amazingly close" family had been disheartened to find that the woman who owned her own business and tended to three messy boys and a sweet, helpful "big kid" husband had a much closer family than she did. She'd been boasting about her tight-knit clan from the second she'd arrived at her temporary home.

Emmett kissed Rose's cheek as he, Jasper, and I stood to help Esme with the groceries occupying the backseat and trunk of her Lincoln MKX. She smiled at us as we put away the foods in the refrigerator. A moment later Bella appeared smiling. She quickly started washing vegetables and then began to chop and dice them. _She is so helpful_, Esme thought fondly recalling the afternoon she and the girls had spent at a local soup kitchen a few weeks ago. Bella had a smile for everyone. I smiled and left them to it for the time being. As I rejoined the others in the living room, Carlisle arrived.

"Can I help?" he asked them kindly.

They of course sent him to join us in the living room, insisting they wanted to do it all themselves. He sat on Alice's right.

"What are we watching?" he smiled, glad to be home.

"Wife Swap," Rosalie answered as a new episode's theme music ended. Carlisle found the show highly amusing. One family was full of tea party liberalists and the other poorly educated parents who tried very hard but had irresponsible children. He laughed wondering idly how our family namely Esme would fare if we participated in such a trade of mothers. He pictured her easily winning over the family, at least the children if not the father as well and carefully adjusting to the humans' way of life. She'd have to make real food, force it down, and drive children places, while also handling the mother's routine. He knew she'd handle it easily and with finesse. I laughed nodding my agreement at his assessment of my excellent mother.


	2. Not So Sweet Visions

A/N: I'm so happy to know I have readers! Virtual hugs for all! Please review! On with the story...

Alice

The women at the bakery were shameful gossips, I noted as I sat across from Lacey working on Math. When she finished the last problem, I smiled and she sipped her caffe mocha. "We both know that Mrs. Cullen couldn't do my schedule for a single day,"Mrs. Allen boasted to her friend. The other woman laughed softly and smiled at me from across the room. "Ellen she has six teenagers and she works at an architecture firm from eight until seven six days a week and I hear she blows everyone away at bake sales. Her husband is a surgeon. She understands hectic." I smiled back as a vision engulfed me.

_A woman with horrendous split ends was in a stretch limousine which was on a path to our home in the Iowa woods. She looked devious, worse than me when I was planning Bella's wedding. She had a gold cross on her neck. The driver stopped in front of our home. _

I blinked, smiled at Lacey and stood.

"I gotta go. Bye Lace."

"Thanks so much Alice," Lacey beamed.

"No problem. See you Monday."

I walked out of the shop quickly as the wind picked up. After a few minutes, Carlisle's Mercedes stopped on the curb. He held the passenger door open for me.

"Thanks," I said as we drove.

He smiled, "How was tutoring?"

"Good. Lacey's ready for her test."

"Excellent," Carlisle replied cutting the engine. We got in just as it began to pour outside. Bella came into the room with a pile of mail frowning as I was pulling up Gilt on my computer. Next to me Jazz and Edward were trying to massacre each other in Halo. Rose was painting Esme's toes as Esme did the same for Rose. Carlisle smiled at Rose and kissed Esme before settling next to her to watch the Halo tournament. Emmett was nowhere to be seen. Bella's eyes narrowed.

"Emmett Cullen. I will kill all of your Madden players if you aren't down in here in one minute," Bella said sternly. She quickly handed Carlisle a thick cream envelope. RDF Media was stamped on the back. It was addressed to the Cullen family. He pulled the letter out and scanned it quickly as Esme read over his shoulder. He turned so Rose and the boys could read it. She, Edward, Jasper, and Esme blanched. Bella on the other hand started collecting Emmett's Madden discs from under the TV. Emmett appeared in a 20 seconds, angry.

"What did I do now? I haven't gotten in trouble at school; I haven't shown off, I've done nothing, Bella. Tell her Edward."

Edward almost smiled, almost.

"RDF Media, Emmett,"Esme stated plainly.

"Huh? I didn't do anything Mom I swear on the Bhagavad Gita."

"Then why is Wife Swap, excited for your mother to join its long line of women who've had life changing experiences on their program?"Carlisle asked the picture of calm. The man was a saint for putting up with Emmett for so long especially after the time he accidentally destroyed a stack of important clinical trials and a set of blueprints Esme literally could not reproduce. Emmett tried to snatch the discs from Bella. She didn't give an inch, "Answer him."

"I overheard Bella and Esme talking about it a few weeks ago."

"And?"Bella groaned.

"I thought Esme might like a break from our craziness. That maybe she'd appreciate a normal family. A family that didn't break everything. Or drink blood."

Esme laughed, "Considerate Em. But I like my life just fine."Esme smiled and Edward smirked looking at me. I nodded.


	3. I'm Gwen,the Perfect One

A/N: I hope you all appreciate the double posting. This chapter was just waiting to be debuted. It was begging really,so here it is. Please review! P.S. Gwendolyn is Esme Cullen's replacement.

Gwendolyn

"So Gwendolyn are you ready for the bake sale next week?"Amy asked me sneering.

"Of course I am. I'm making Hannah my lemon tarts and Kyle asked for cherry pie."I smiled and straightened my blouse sipping my double espresso.

Amy stalked away and I left the shop, content. As Hannah prattled on about ballet I made a mental list. I needed to pick up the prescription for Lake, send Bryan a letter, balance the checkbook, finish that list for the Freeman's, hoe the garden, pick up turtle food for Wally, and reschedule Pilates with Peter.

Oh and buy a gift for Tessa's baby shower on Friday. As I pulled into the garage I smiled. Lake had worked a morning shift so he was home. Kyle and Hannah hurried in and started their homework. As I shut the garage door, I laughed fondly at how good my family was. I made chicken cacciatore for dinner and Hannah set the table.

"It came today Gwen," Lake said sipping his water.

"So?"I asked excitedly. Would I get to save some poor family and help them love God?

"We're in honey," Lake pecked my cheek happily before digging into his dinner. I explained my upcoming absence to Hannah and Kyle as they fed Wally later that evening.

"A new lady's gonna come stay for a few weeks. I expect you to be good for her and do what she says. As long as it follows..."

"The Bible," the children chorused. I smiled, such a good life.


	4. Leaving My Life

Esme

I looked around my bedroom once more, glancing between my suitcase and closet. I had everything, I just wasn't ready yet.

"It'll be fine, dearest,"Carlisle murmured rubbing my shoulders.

"Alice would have decapitated Emmett if you weren't going to be safe."

I laughed weakly, "I know but, I just don't like the idea of a stranger in a house full of vampires. Especially one like Emmett. No matter how mature they are." I didn't need to mention how much I'd miss them all. He knew that already.

"The girls will keep him in line," Carlisle soothed. "I promise the house and all of us will be just fine when you get home."Carlisle added retrieving my closed suitcase from the bed before taking my hand and leading me downstairs slowly. My daughters hugged me reinforcing Carlisle's statement about Emmett. When Edward and Jasper finally released me Emmett pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. "I won't do something to make us move, Mom. I promise," Emmett whispered in my ear. After another second, I was whisked away from my huge amazing loving family.


	5. Meeting the Family

Gwendolyn

When the plane landed I was disoriented. When we were driving I decided to inquire about my living arrangements. From what I could tell we were driving through a quiet relatively cozy town. A few boys on the sidewalk turned to look at the limo as we passed.

"How much longer?"I asked George the producer.

"Not long." After a few more minutes we were nearing the town limits much to my surprise.

"We're leaving the town?"I asked shocked.

"The family you're switching with lives just outside of town, ,"George replied.

"Who in their right mind would want to live away from civilization and society like a bunch of shut-ins?"I murmured as we came to a stop.

"We're here," Ryan the cameraman announced opening my door. I stepped out to find myself in front of a large three story house painted a warm chocolate brown. There was a wraparound porch with flowers growing in front of it. I ground my teeth determined not to get sidetracked by appearances. Keeping a nice house didn't make you a good person after all. I hurried toward the steps and then the door unlocking it quickly. I fiddled with my cross as I entered the foyer. The inside was very nice as well. The end table held a mail basket,lamp,and a bouquet of black-eyed Susans. The walls were painted a deep inviting brown and on one hung a Cézanne. I quickly made my way up the first staircase I came to. The first door I opened was to a bedroom. It held a king-sized bed, a desk area with a number of electronics, a mounted television, a closet and a bookcase. I moved to inspect the bookcase. To my surprise it held both music and literature of many genres. Some music was quite old such as Louis Armstrong and Billie Holiday. Others like Parachute and Greenday were more modern. There was a hardcover copy of _Anna Karenina_ on the shelf too. I made my way to the room across the hall after a moment.

This was a girl's room, clearly. It was much like the previous room though the color scheme was different. This was purples and blues while the room prior had been golds and yellows. I decided to look at the closet, praying the young lady dressed modestly. I was taken aback. The bottom portion of the closet was dominated by shoes of all kinds. Nike, Prada, Jimmy Choo, Vera Wang, the list was infinite I realized as I looked down the rows. The hanging space was filled with pants, skirts, shirts, dresses, blouses, and coats of various designs. One shirt I saw had _Animals for Angels_ written in black on the front. _Bella_ was written on the back in blue. I left the closet before all the fabric could give me an ulcer. I had no interest in seeing the other bedrooms, so I went downstairs again.

I found the living room easily. It was spacious and held two large couches, a coffee table, and yet another mounted television. That made three so far. That I'd seen anyway. There were probably more. There was definitely more art, I noted remembering the painting of the meadow I'd seen in the girl's room. There was also a painting of tropical birds sitting around what looked to be a tide pool. She must be an art lover. I made my way to a door that Ryan pointed out finding myself amongst a lot of instruments including a cello, piano, and violin. Or at least I thought they were a cello and violin judging by their cases. There was sheet music piled high on a corner table. There were chairs scattered around the room. And to my great pleasure no television to be found. I was content for the first time since I'd landed in Iowa. Eventually the producer lured me out of the content room and led me to the kitchen. It looked like something straight out of a House Beautiful magazine, like the rest of the house. It was also spotless, unsurprisingly.

"How on earth does the wife manage to keep her kitchen so clean?"I murmured. "She probably has a maid service of some sort," I speculated.

"The manual's on the table," Ryan said.

I turned and sat down at the large butcher-block table. I read the surname before anything else. "Cullen Family Manual," I read aloud.

The inside read,

Hello new Mother. My name is Esme Cullen, welcome to Orange City! I'm an architect. My husband Carlisle is an ER surgeon and together we've adopted six kids. Edward, Emmett, and Jasper are our three boys. Bella, Rosalie, and Alice are our girls. Bella, Alice, and Emmett are biological siblings. Emmett is the oldest at 18, Bella is 17, and Alice turned 17 last month. Rosalie and Jasper are 17 and twins. Edward is an only child and 17, also. All of them have a passion for music. Bella and Jasper are bibliophiles and Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward all love cars. Alice and Rose are both shopaholics as well.

The children do not play inter-scholastic sports and are all honor students with after school jobs. Alice and Rose work at Forever 21 four days a week after school and on weekends. Bella works at Barnes & Noble four days a week as well. Jasper is a museum docent, Edward works at the local music shop, and Emmett works at Sal's Sports Emporium. All are four weekdays and weekends unless otherwise noted. They are all home by seven thirty each night. We do not eat dinner together though we are all vegetarians. I'm normally home by seven forty-five each night. Carlisle has rotating shifts and informs everyone of his rotation as soon as he knows it.

I rise at 6:30 each morning to spend time with Carlisle before he needs to leave for work. I check that the kids have eaten and are awake at 7:25 each weekday morning. They may sleep in on weekends if they don't have work. I leave for work by 7:45 each morning. On Saturday mornings if necessary I clean the entire house. I like to garden, read, or spend time with my family when I have free time.

Oh and two housekeeping things. The children date each other and we are not religious. Bella dates Edward, Rosalie's with Emmett, and Alice and Japer are together also.

I felt everything go black for a long moment. George brought me a glass of ice water. I sipped carefully trying to keep my composure.

"These people are going to rot in hell."I said loudly regaining my voice as the front door opened a ways away. I heard laughter and then one gorgeous voice. "Mind your manners, please. You weren't raised by wolves after all." The godlike silken voice was soft. I rose instinctively. It was time to meet the family.

There were seven people coming into the living room from the foyer as I entered from the kitchen. I paused shocked. They were all gorgeous. The tallest brunette looked like she could be Snow White. The shortest resembled Thumbelina. There were was no way to voice the blonde girl's beauty. She was so like Sleeping Beauty she could have walked straight out of the book. The men were all Greek gods in the flesh. Two were blond, one had dark brown hair, and the other had a shade of coppery brown hair that could only be called bronze.

"I'm Carlisle Cullen. Welcome to our home." So his was the silken voice I'd heard. I blushed as he shook my hand with a smile.

"Thank you. I'm Gwendolyn Daniels. It's a pleasure to meet you." I stammered smiling shyly. The brunette girl coughed interrupting my moment with a god. "It's nice to meet you Mrs. Daniels. I'm Bella." I glared at her for a split second. Her name was irrelevant compared with coming into close contact with a god.

She just laughed and whispered something to the girls next to her. They giggled with her as the bronze-haired boy spoke. "I'm Edward. Nice to meet you." He grumbled the last part. The brown haired behemoth spoke, smiling. "I'm Emmett. I hope you like it here." "I'm Jasper," the other blond smirked. "Alice," the Thumbelina girl giggled. "I'm Rosalie," Sleeping Beauty hissed, smiling innocently. They sat down and motioned for me to do the same. I plopped down right next to Carlisle and the girls shared an incomprehensible look.

"So tell us about yourself," Bella said politely.

"I'm married to a podiatrist, and we have two wonderful children named Hannah and Kyle. Kyle's in sixth grade and Hannah's in third. I'm a part-time underwriter with Capitol Inc. and I adore baking. I'm also quite fond of rare steak. It's the only way I'll eat it. I'm also a very devout Christian. I attend Bible Study and Prayer group twice a week and weekly worship services every Sunday." They nodded and Alice spoke next. "Well Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward are all car addicts, Bella and Jazz love to read, and Rosalie and I love to shop. Also we are not religious nor do we eat meat." Alice smiled pleased with her explanation. The others smiled brightly at her. Well, the whole no-meat and no-Church thing will definitely stop come rule change, I noted in my head. "Esme mentioned you adopted all of your children. Why so many Carlisle?" I was incredibly curious.

"Esme and I couldn't have children of our own so we decided to adopt until we found the amount she liked. We wanted a big family and we couldn't bear the idea of splitting up siblings either so it all worked out perfectly."Carlisle smiled. Six was too many, I thought. That many mouths to feed meant no time for leisure and privacy went out the window and then landed on Pluto. I just nodded. I noticed the girls whispering again. Hopefully it wasn't about me.

"Something you'd like to share ladies?"I asked sweetly.


	6. A Stroke of Genius

Bella

"Something you'd like to share ladies?"Gwendolyn asked. Her voice was high pitched and reminded me of Mrs. Goode the first Physics teacher I'd had after I was changed. It sounded like nails on a chalkboard. "She could be the Goode Witch's doppelganger," I murmured to Rose and Alice. "Nothing at all," I replied quietly. Emmett laughed. Gwendolyn's eyes zeroed in on his hand, specifically the one holding Rose's. They narrowed quickly. I fought back a laugh. At least we weren't the technical definition of incest like some people in this town. "I took a little tour earlier. You all seem to have a lot of electronics."

"We're teenagers, its normal, "Rose murmured just loud enough for the humans to catch. Carlisle's mouth turned up on one side. By now, I the youngest was over forty in vampire years. We of course still resembled teenagers though.

"I hear you and Jasper like to read Bella. What's your favorite book?"Gwendolyn smirked disbelieving at the thought of a real live reading teenager. Though technically I wasn't alive anymore.

"_Wuthering Heights_. I'm partial to Fitzgerald though."

"I enjoy _The Raven _very much though Faulkner is my favorite author," Jasper replied ever the Southerner.

"I enjoy the occasional poem by Dylan Thomas," Rosalie chimed in.

"My all time favorite is Tennyson," Edward said.

"If I had to pick it would be Neruda," Emmett added fondly.

"I love Phyllis Wheatley,"Alice chimed in.

Gwendolyn's mouth hung open. I'm just guessing that she figured we'd be airheads.

"Alice what time do we leave?" I asked. Alice wanted to go to the beach tomorrow. Years ago Esme, Alice, and I had found a secluded beach near the mountain regions while we were out hunting. We went up whenever any of us felt like a swim. We'd decided to take this trip weeks ago long before Emmett had the idea to sign us up for Wife Swap.

"Early. So we should turn in before midnight."Alice smiled.

"What are you two talking about?"Gwendolyn asked ogling Carlisle out of the corner of her eye.

"We're going to the beach tomorrow."Rosalie said. "Bella asked when we planned on leaving." "May I be excused?"Rose asked.

"No you may not."Gwendolyn tried and failed to sound stern. Surprisingly Rose stayed. Emmett's eyebrow rose. Rosalie smirked.

"Se viste como, como una maestra de escuela." She dresses like, like a schoolmarm, Rose had said in Spanish.

"No, ella se viste como Kim Kardashian en la grieta."No, she dresses like Kim Kardashian on crack, I rebutted. I hadn't seen clothes this terrible since the designers of the world went on strike for three months because they felt underappreciated. Alice had almost slipped into catatonia. Jasper laughed.

"No, ella se viste como Kim Kardashian en la grieta de una maestra de escuela jugando." No,she dresses like Kim Kardashian on crack playing a schoolmarm, Alice chimed in. Rose and I nodded at Alice's assessment. Carlisle gave us a withering look.

"Actually, Alice I think we should reschedule the beach," I said in response to Carlisle's caution. I lifted my shield and Edward grinned, squeezing my hand. Alice nodded smiling. "You're right Bells she needs our help." Rose applauded quietly snickering. "I've never been prouder," Alice murmured hugging me.

"I have my moments," I laughed.


End file.
